[At Disney i get asked to review new games each month, as part of keeping in touch with what people are playing. I thought i'd share this months review with you, you lucky lucky person you.
You have to imagine this is me standing up infront of a room full of my bosses, with a DS screen projected behind me. ]


Cooking Mama2

"The hideous deformed cartoon at the top of the DS screen, who, with a cheering smile will yell at you to try again lest you get any notion that you have the option to quit playing, is ‘cooking mama’.
Do not let the title fool you. Mama, does no cooking.
Having sparkling eyes with all the hallmark characteristics of a bullying mother living vicariously through her children, the game felt as though you were being punished for thinking this could be fun.

This game is a chore.

You are told to follow her instructions to complete the recipes you are given, completed to her idea of perfection. The time spent playing this could be spent cooking and learning recipes for actual food. At least afterwards you would have something to eat.

Instead you get a dire sensation of emptiness. And that’s not just in your stomach.

The game is boring and simple.

If you cook something well enough you are rewarded with an illustration that could have come straight from your Fischer Price my first oven instruction booklet. And those of you who were inappropriately given one for Christmas will know that such an accolade isnt complementary in the slightest.

The more you complete, the more work you have to do. In acknowledgement of perceived competency in the kitchen you are regarded responsible enough to take on more recipes, each more disappointing than the last.

The interest of Japanese cuisine fades like a flash in the pan.

Sea Bream Carpaccio.
Corn Soup.
Eel rice bowl.
Squid Fried Rice.
Panna Cotta.

And im sure many more.

The trouble is, I don’t care.

But of course, this game was not produced for my demographic,
If it was, mama would have different outfit accessory unlockables instead of just a change in colour of headband.

On this point.

You are awarded bonuses in a seemingly arbitrary system.

You win presents for achievements. But you get three options of which present to open. Two will be empty. So after getting all those bonuses, you still might not be rewarded.

Not that rewards will be that entertaining anyway.

Gullible young girls drawn by the ‘kawaii’ness of the whole affair of course are the targeted demographic.

It ticks all the young girl boxes.
Visually impairing use of pink, check.
Unnecessary Diary to record your shitty attempts at cooking with photographic evidence to then show off to your friends. check. God knows why they thought this would be entertaining. What kind of social circles would you have to be part of for this feature to be a talking point?
The ability to personalise said photographs by sticking eyeballs on them. Hell yeah, thank god. Check.


The emphasis is on making things and sharing things in a futile attempt to validate their meaningless existence.

But even young girls I cannot imagine enjoying this for fifteen minutes.

To add a competitive element in the last hour fashion traditional to shit games,
You can play against your friends in something inspiringly called friends challenge.

But as the minigames are just the broken down actions of the earlier recipes, its more like just a bunch of you seeing who can finish of their chores the fastest so you can go and get on with doing something fun like , you know, playing computer games.

The game could break your soul.

Do not play it."